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Post Info TOPIC: 2016 Joke, Humor and Cartoon Page


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2016 Joke, Humor and Cartoon Page


OK, today is the very first day of the New Year, 2016 and time to start a new thread. My contribution will begin by:

 

Bob and his wife went to the Royal Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

Bob's wife playfully nudged Bob in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

Bob and his wife walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

Bob's wife gave him a healthy jab and said, 'WOW - That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

Bob's wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke Bob's ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

Bob looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

Bob's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable. He should eventually make a full recovery.

 

Then there is this(most of us can relate):

THE RETIRED MIND....

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "what brings you in today?". I looked at her, and said, I'm interested in buying a refrigerator. She didn't quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call "blue teeth", I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'An ambulance.'

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then crap on your car.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals forforty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.



-- Edited by Dave W on Friday 1st of January 2016 10:20:30 AM

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That's a good way to kick it off, Dave.

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very cool lol lol lol lol .....................................................BEAR

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When I read Dave's New Year Joke I instantly thought of Bill Engvall's "Here's your Sign"

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Aphorism - a short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation, or a general truth.


1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - for example, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap

15. Be careful about reading the fine print there's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realise that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Chevy.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift.

And REMEMBER....

POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON



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OK, How 'bout this little 'gem' :

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.


One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear fender of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story, (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

 

 

 



"When you're hung like a horse, You don't need a Harley to pick up chicks?



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Dave W (Irelands Child/IC2)

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?hangy thang? LMAO

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One time a couple of East Texas Hunters were talking about their Hounds and one of them commented: "Luke, I don't know how you can afford to feed all these fine dogs you have in your kennel?"

Luke replied: "Well, Slim, it's not that bad, I just feed mine Collard Greens!" 

With a surprised look, Slim, replied: "But my Hounds won't eat Collard Greens!" 

Luke answered: "Yeah, mine wouldn't either for about 6 weeks."



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Mello Yello wrote:

?hangy thang? LMAO


 Oh, that brought back a memory that I have alwys thought was funny, although the other major player in thishousehold doesn't think so so much.

On our honeymoon, we were driving through Beatty, Nevada, and along the highway was a small bunch of wild burros.  One Jack was standing right on the edge of the highway and his "thing" was hanging so long that it was actually bent over at the end on the ground.  Now, my Bride was not unfamiliar with critters of the equine sort, but as we passed that mob, she did a double take, and sort of said very loudly - shrieked is the way I usually describe what she did - "What was that?!?!!!".  I had to pull over and stop because I was laughing too hard to drive.



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So sad but yet so funny as we as a country (not me, myself though) put these people on their thrones:

 

Just think, Mary Lincoln was taken to task for purchasing China for the White House during the Civil War. And Mamie Eisenhower had to shell out the salary for her personal secretary from her husband's salary.

 

 

 

Total Personal Staff members for other first ladies paid by taxpayers

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Mamie Eisenhower:--- One-- paid for personally out of President's salary.

 

Total number of Personal Staff Members paid by Tax Payers.

 Jackie Kennedy: -------1

Lady Bird Johnson___1

 

Pat Nixon ---------------1

 

Betty Ford---------------1

 

Rosaline Carter: ------ 1

 

 Barbara Bush: ---------1

 

Hilary Clinton: -------- Seven

 

Laura Bush: ----------- 1

 

Michele Obama: ----- Twenty-four

 

 

 

How things have changed! If you're one of the tens of millions of Americans facing certain destitution, earning less than subsistence wages stocking the shelves at Wal-Mart or serving up McDonald cheeseburgers, prepare to scream and then come to realize that the benefit package for these servants of "Ms Michelle" are the same as members of the national security and defense departments and the bill for these assorted lackeys is paid by YOU, John Q. Public: Look out for Hillary if she gets elected president.

 

 Michele Obama's personal staff:

 One.. $192,200 - Sher, Susan (Chief Of Staff)

 Two.. $160,000 - Frye, Jocelyn C. (Director of Policy And Projects For The First Lady)

 Three.. $133,000 - Rogers, Desiree G. (White House Social Secretary for Mrs. Obama)

 Four.. $122,000 - Johnston, Camille Y. (Director of Communications for the First Lady)

 Five.. $120,000 - Winter, Melissa (Deputy Chief Of Staff to the First Lady)

 Six.. $110,000 Medina , David S. (Deputy Chief Of Staff to the First Lady)

 Seven.. $104,000 - Lilyveld, Catherine M. (Director and Press Secretary to the First Lady)

 Eight.. $95,000 - Starkey, Frances M. (Director of Scheduling and Advance for the First Lady)

 Nine.. $90,000 - Sanders, Trooper (Deputy Director of Policy and Project for the First Lady)

 Ten.. $85,000 - Burnough, Erinn (Deputy Director and Deputy Social Secretary)

 Eleven.. $84,000 - Reinstein, Joseph B.(Deputy Director and Deputy Social Secretary)

 Twelve.. $82,000 - Goodman, Jennifer R. (Deputy Director of Scheduling and Events Coordinator For The First Lady)

 Thirteen.. $80,000 Fitz, Alan O.(Deputy Director of Advance and Trip Director for the First Lady)

 Fourteen.. $77,500 - Lewis, Dana M. (Special Assistant and Personal Aide to the First Lady)

 Fifteen.. $72,500 - Mustaphi, Semonti M. (Associate Director and Deputy Press Secretary To The First Lady)

 Sixteen.. $70,000 - Jarvis, Kristen E. (Special Assistant for Scheduling and Traveling Aide To The First Lady)

 Seventeen.. $65,000 - Lechtenberg, Tyler A. (Associate Director of Correspondence For The First Lady)

 Eighteen.. $63,000 - Tubman, Samantha a (Deputy Associate Director, Social Office)

 Nineteen.. $60,000 - Boswell, Joseph J. (Executive Assistant to the Chief Of Staff to the First Lady)

 Twenty.. $56,000 - Armbruster, Sally M. (Staff Assistant to the Social Secretary)

 Twenty-One.. $55,000 - Bookey, Natalie (Staff Assistant)

 Twenty-Two.. $55,000 - Jackson, Deilia A. (Deputy Associate Director of Correspondence for the First Lady)

This does not include makeup artist Ingrid Grimes-Miles, 49, and "First Hairstylist" Johnny Wright, 31, both of whom traveled aboard Air Force One on all ALL Trips, Europe included.

 Total $2,075,200 in annual salaries - all for someone we did not vote for and apparently have no control over.

5 are Muslim and 13 are African-American

 

 There has NEVER been anyone in the White House at any time who has created such an army of staffers whose sole duties are the facilitation of the First Lady's social life. One wonders why she needs so  much help, at taxpayer expense. (I'm wondering why there are no guidelines or restraints for this and other activities concerning our government officials and their kin.)

 Michele usually gets dropped off in another City along with her Mother and 2 Daughters

 As of 11/15.2015 the Obama Family has spent over

1.3 Billion dollars on personal family trips. They were personal not political or Government related.Add in the 17 day Christmas trip to Hawaii and the total will be close to 1.5 billion dollars

 

 

 

Copyright Canada Free Press:

 

 

Yes. The Canadian Free Press had to publish this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



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On a lighter note..............

A blonde advertised her pet Boa on ebay, gentleman caller asked if it was big, massive she replied, how many feet he asked, she replied none it's a ****ing snake.

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MsgAttachment?msgid=1984&attachno=18

 

Then of course there's this little gem hehehehehehehhhhhheeeeee

MsgAttachment?msgid=1984&attachno=9



-- Edited by Dave W on Tuesday 12th of January 2016 10:15:00 AM

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?BLONDE at Birth?

disbeliefnodisbeliefnodisbeliefnodisbeliefno

I wish I could use my hair color as an excuse but unfortunately, I can't. 
Therefore, I must attribute this to age and eye-sight.  Or lack of, maybe?

Our printer ran out of ink so I flipped down the front where you load the cartridges and saw the ink number was 106.  On the next trip to Wally World I found out they didn't carry that cartridge and I got a little upset.  After I cooled off, I went to H&P's stie to order and indeed that have a cartridge that is the one for my printer. 

This instantly reminded me of the Blonde that wanted the mechanic to put some 710 in her Car.  So nothing personal to those of Yeller HAIRitage. 



"If you can't laugh at yourself then you have no right to laugh at others"



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12043068_889725387784541_1470456443001370587_n.jpg?oh=015d9501065370a541c2d0376b68d109&oe=56FC7057

 

1f9.jpg



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710, lmfao

Later gator
Russ

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Cajuns Mak'n Deaux

One time Tib and Boo'd (aka Thibodeaux and Boudreaux) where headed to the Bayou (pronounced ByeYou) about 2 hours before daylight. As the high beams from Tib's 50 chevy pickup would spot a roadkill, Tib would say. "OK, Boo'd, take this piece of chalk and draw a ring around that critter." Sometimes it would be a possum, nutrient, squirrel, racoon, rabbit or whatever didn't make it across the road. After 6 or 8 times of drawing a chalk ring around some poor crushed critter, Boo'd said "Why for you wan me to do dis, Tib?" Tib replied, "Well Podna, iffin wez gitz tru check'n dem trotlines and we ain't be hav'n no gar, choupique, sac a lait, gator or catfish to show for it then on the way home, ever'tang dat ain't got demselfs a rang round it is fresh kill and today's Gumbo !"



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Dear Abby,
My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies.

I know he's cheated on me many times for many years, sometimes with young girls who could be his granddaughters.

I know because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive champagne day and night.

We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I'm a lesbian and my "big butt" and ugly face turn him off!

Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby? Your advice would be appreciated.

Mad as Hell



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Dear Mad as Hell,

You shouldn't have to take that kind of treatment from any man.

I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p.!

Don't resort to clobbering him with the frying pan, and please try to act like a lady!

Remember... you're running for President of the United States, so try acting like it!



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That's funny, I'm actually following your elections and prelims on cnn almost every day. It's very interesting. I'm picking Hillary will prevail, but Cruz will go close??
Just my opinion. We don't talk politics in my family as it gets out of hand,lol.


Later gator
Russ

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whinny wrote:

That's funny, I'm actually following your elections and prelims on cnn almost every day. It's very interesting. I'm picking Hillary will prevail, but Cruz will go close??
Just my opinion. We don't talk politics in my family as it gets out of hand,lol.


Later gator
Russ


     

We don't here at my house, either, Russ; too many bad feelings come from it.  My Baby Bro is a hard line Lib, and I am a rabid Conservative; he baits me all the time, but I mostly manage to ignore him and move on down he road



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whinny wrote:

That's funny, I'm actually following your elections and prelims on cnn almost every day. It's very interesting. I'm picking Hillary will prevail,

Later gator
Russ


 If she doesn't end up in jail, she might have a chance tho hopefully not. Any of the Reps. would be a better choice then what's living in the White House now

As far as conservative, we have just taken a year to travel LOA from the local Rep. committee where we were both very involved, myself as co-chair of the town's committee.Oh and the Rep. party runs our town and countybiggrin, both of which are doing extremely well in all respects.

Our family discussions can be 'interesting' as my wife's sister is an artsy-fartsy shrieking lib who has no clue as to what is going on in the US, much less in the world.



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If Hillary wins then America as we knew it and grew up in "is gone forever" but it will make it easier to be old and limited on the calendar.

The Oil Company my oldest son has beene with since the beginning folded yesterday and everyone is unemployed today. cry

OOPS - - - sorry bout the Hi-jack

-- Edited by Mello Yello on Wednesday 3rd of February 2016 08:16:29 AM



-- Edited by Mello Yello on Wednesday 3rd of February 2016 08:17:54 AM

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Mello Yello wrote:

If Hillary wins then America as we knew it and grew up in "is gone forever" but it will make it easier to be old and limited on the calendar.

The Oil Company my oldest son has beene with since the beginning folded yesterday and everyone is unemployed today. cry

OOPS - - - sorry bout the Hi-jack

-- Edited by Mello Yello on Wednesday 3rd of February 2016 08:16:29 AM



-- Edited by Mello Yello on Wednesday 3rd of February 2016 08:17:54 AM


 Sorry to hear about your son. The cost of oil has shuttered a lot of small companies, some temporarily, others forever. Shutting down the coal industry will put even more out of work too and not just in the mines.

Over the past 7 years, life as we knew it has disappeared and will get worse for a while regardless of who ends up living at 1700 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington, DC

 

 

 

 



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Rrumbler wrote:
whinny wrote:

That's funny, I'm actually following your elections and prelims on cnn almost every day. It's very interesting. I'm picking Hillary will prevail, but Cruz will go close??
Just my opinion. We don't talk politics in my family as it gets out of hand,lol.


Later gator
Russ


     

We don't here at my house, either, Russ; too many bad feelings come from it.  My Baby Bro is a hard line Lib, and I am a rabid Conservative; he baits me all the time, but I mostly manage to ignore him and move on down he road


 Man that sounds just like here, I was raised labour but started voting national about 15 years ago. My daughter is staunch labour. Every election night she rings me ans says I cancelled your vote today dad,lol.



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Dave W wrote:
whinny wrote:

That's funny, I'm actually following your elections and prelims on cnn almost every day. It's very interesting. I'm picking Hillary will prevail,

Later gator
Russ


 If she doesn't end up in jail, she might have a chance tho hopefully not. Any of the Reps. would be a better choice then what's living in the White House now

As far as conservative, we have just taken a year to travel LOA from the local Rep. committee where we were both very involved, myself as co-chair of the town's committee.Oh and the Rep. party runs our town and countybiggrin, both of which are doing extremely well in all respects.

Our family discussions can be 'interesting' as my wife's sister is an artsy-fartsy shrieking lib who has no clue as to what is going on in the US, much less in the world.


 Your politics are complicated how they go from state to state but I'm getting the hang of it. My wife even asked me about your politics the other day.

 

later gator 

russ



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Mello Yello wrote:

If Hillary wins then America as we knew it and grew up in "is gone forever" but it will make it easier to be old and limited on the calendar.

The Oil Company my oldest son has beene with since the beginning folded yesterday and everyone is unemployed today. cry

OOPS - - - sorry bout the Hi-jack

-- Edited by Mello Yello on Wednesday 3rd of February 2016 08:16:29 AM



-- Edited by Mello Yello on Wednesday 3rd of February 2016 08:17:54 AM


 Sorry to hear about your son, the oil price over your way still not reflected in our pump prices yet. Still paying 1.75 a litre and I think there's 5 litres per gallon so that makes it about 8.75 a gallon???

 

later gator 

russ



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Our biggest coal company has just gone belly up as well ,effecting a whole town.

Later gator
Russ



-- Edited by whinny on Wednesday 3rd of February 2016 04:28:02 PM

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We're at around $1.50/Gallon in Yuppieville - - - no high jack THAT IS A JOKE but the truth.

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That's criminal what we pay, thanks for rubbing it in,lmao.

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Russ

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Good one, Dave.

My Dad was an Elk for over forty years, and quite active most of that time.  Often, when we would go to visit the folks, they would take us to The Lodge for dinner.  When the boys were still pre-teen, we told them one time, that when Grandpa took us to dinner, they would have to make "the sign", or they wouldn't be let in to have dinner there.  We told them that they would have to hold their hands up on top of their head with their fingers spread and pointing up, and shake their head around and make grunting sounds, and that the man at the door would do the same back to them and then let them in.  We told my Dad what we had done, and after he got over his hysterical laughing, he called the guy who was "host" for the night and told him about it.  When we got there, the kids were ahead of us, and the guy on the door asked them for "the sign" - I thought they were going to mess themselves, but they "manned up", and did what we had told them, and he returned the gesture, much to the amusement of all who were witness to it; the kids thought they had just won the lottery or something.



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Rr, I suspect the kids remember that visitbiggrin

What I recall about the Elks as a kid is B.P.O.E. (Best People On Earth) and my uncles love of going to the lodge. We have a lodge a couple miles away and have gone to several functions there and had a very good time, with the manager being an acquaintance.

 



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Gotta love Em(I)s stories - - - - one of the better parts of this Forum IMHO - - - - the Elks aren't that active down here - - - don't know why??? - - - - but the ONLY time I've ever had any contact with the Elks Lodge was in Colorado one New Year's Eve - - - - a friend of mine in Denver called and asked me to play Bass for he and a couple of my musician friends in Steamboat Springs at the Elks Lodge - - - - this was WINTER TIME IN THE ROCKY MTNS and I had to drive over 2 mtn passes to get there - - - - without a doubt, they were the most accommodating, appreciative and fun to play for crowd that I'd seen in a long long time - - - - they even offered to put us up for the remainder of the night if we didn't want to drive back home in that ice and snow - - - - great folks for sure

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when my wife left.
i was sad,lonely and confused
so i got a dog
bought a harley
and blew two grand on hookers and partying
boy is she ever gonna freak out when she gets home from work!

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Mood ring

12670596_1088511731179164_5511601972795975225_n.jpg



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Lol, sounds like my wife

Later gator
Russ

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Ive decided to call my toilet Jim instead of John.
 
It sounds better when I say that I go to the Jim every morning.


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I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night (as I often do) and I noticed a diaper-headed individual who looked like a Muslim -- with a knife, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.

Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it.

Astonished, I got back into bed. As I tossed and turned my wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"

You'll never believe what I've just seen, I said. That bastard next door still has my good shovel !



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Quando omni flunkus, moritati (When all else fails, play dead - R Green)



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Plumbers T shirt

 

plumbers crack.jpg



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poncho62 wrote:

Plumbers T shirt

 

 


 A Duluth Trading long tail Tee couldn't fix that crack



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Dave W (Irelands Child/IC2)

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that's why bib overalls were invented

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Let me pick on my ancestry a bit:

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife
for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.


Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.


The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight
so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a
worthy opponent.


An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you
ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.


Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came
out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"


Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."


Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear
spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."


Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.


Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two
o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home .


Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he
said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."


"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you
improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"


Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on
their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?


My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up
your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the
details and highlights of theirs?



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Probably have to follow both American and Canadian politics to get this one...............12670769_1125552224142179_5694699860702812705_n.jpg



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P - we have already suffered through 7 years of those problems. It's your turn now and with the dynasty thing as well



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Dave W (Irelands Child/IC2)

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It's Blarney Day today:

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight

 

from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made

 

the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

 

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has
been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this
has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately,
we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake
and inconvenience.

 

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else
can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5
hour flight.

 

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry,
we still have 40 dinners available."



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Not sure if this has been posted before......

Mayberry_zps5rrr9lbw.jpg



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We'z gotz'em all in Tejas

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So this is a conversation between a man and a woman. Please note that she asks 5 or 6 questions which he answered quite simply and she is speechless after answering only one question.


Critical Thinking
At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer ?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00 . In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No.

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

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13100768_1144424802258500_75556575593696



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LMAO - - - did anyone hear something that sounded like a VW Beetle horn?

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