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Post Info TOPIC: 2016 Joke, Humor and Cartoon Page


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RE: 2016 Joke, Humor and Cartoon Page


A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it." "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands." "Third - There is a 98 year old lady upstairs who has never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man is stunned!

"I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is." As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -then, nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?



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oOOOOOOOOOOO, boo, hiss.

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that's what the Pit Bull said nodisbeliefbiggrin



-- Edited by Mello Yello on Friday 19th of August 2016 07:11:34 PM

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A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfares, accommodations etc.. But he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5pm. Her name's Louise. She will be the one in the white dress.

Thanks for your help!

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Hmmmmm, ah, yep.

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biggrinbiggrinbiggrinbiggrinbiggrinbiggrinbiggrin Oh, how I'd like to Caption that top pic but I'd better not.



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"Guilty as charged" - - - we were helping her oldest son at his house and she stuck her head out the back door and asked for a broom. I replied "You going somewhere?" - - - oh well, I thought it was funny but I was the only one

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Sorry - but I need to be politically incorrect again . Perhaps our Canadian contingent will have a word about this, but since their country has recently made a left turn, maybe not. Sighno

Canadian Wall


The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the
border into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican
presidential campaign is prompting an exodus among left-leaning
Americans who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes,
and live according to the Constitution. Canadian border residents say
it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors,
global-warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their
fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . "He was cold,
exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range
chicken. †When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a
chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers
that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their
fingers in their ears and kept coming.

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
just south of the border, pack them into electric cars, and drive them
across the border, where they are simply left to fend for themselves
after the battery dies. "A lot of these people are not prepared for
our rugged conditions," an Alberta border patrolman said. "I found one
carload without a single bottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with
shrimp and arugula. All they had was a nice little Napa Valley
cabernet and some kale chips. †When liberals are caught, they're sent
back across the border, often wailing that they fear persecution from
Trump high-hairers.

Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education
camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the
Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the
border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip
to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen
young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration
authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior
citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were
alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The
Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an
official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara
Streisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloading
jazzercise apps to their cell phones. "I really feel sorry for
American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them,"
an Ottawa resident said. †"After all, how many art-history majors does
one country need?‚


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Dave......Keep em down there, we dont want them.....We gave you Bieber, you can claim him as yours too......lol

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If it all wasn't so absolutely ridiculous and sad, it might be mildly amusing. As it is, I find that I am a bit fearful of some of these insane liberals, and I've never been too afraid of much; they seem to have gone completely over the falls.

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10-4 Em(I) 10-4

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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


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Aaaaaaauh, yuuuuup.

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Probably applies to an American girl too.....

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local
supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole
heads of cabbage.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old
bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had
followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and
this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy...........
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation
earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you
from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"



"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"



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Just sitting here shaking my head in wonder - for both Poncho and Dave. Good ones, Gents.

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Great Quotes on Sex


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."

Lynn Lavner



"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."

Jack Nicholson


"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)



"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams



"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro




"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman



"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"

Jerry Seinfeld



"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams


"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers


You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life..

Elmo Phillips



"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wild



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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait
that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally
naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the
middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the
painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour
explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a
predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious
critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?"
asked the couple.

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are
no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners.
The guy in the middle went home for lunch."



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Is that Tatum O'neal behind her ?

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Mello Yello wrote:

Is that Tatum O'neal behind her ?


†Cud be............



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I like that one Poncho - just a bunch of kids who have not learned to think for themselves, and mimic their teachers.

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15171187_10154746274456489_4767408571913

.... and even Canada appears to have refused those sore losers.

(I wonder how Madonna feels about ..... nah this is kinda still a family site)

14938148_10154718697921489_4702744322096



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Dave W (Irelands Child/IC2)

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I think I may join him in a Double Milk Toast



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Looks pretty well balanced to me, Poncho.



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Very Nice HOWEVER, about 4 large roasted and sliced jalapenos would turn it into Perfecto Mundo

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Dave W wrote:

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local
supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole
heads of cabbage.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old
bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had
followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and
this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy...........
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation
earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you
from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"



"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

lmao, that's very funny.

russ




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I was at a bar the other night, when the waitress yelled, does anybody know CPR , I yelled, I know the whole alphabet. We all laughed and laughed........except this 1 guy.

Russ

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biggrinbiggrinbiggrin



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I finally found out why after Christmas why ..........

.......we put an angel on the top of a Christmas tree.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.



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Hmmmmmmmmmm........

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Oh, my!!

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poncho62 wrote:

14516406_1773748332878130_9148587713224958121_n.jpg


†For those who only see clear empty Mason Jars, please be advised, that is actually SHINE done RIGHT



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The only shine I ever saw - or drank - looked like really clear water, had no taste, but hit bottom like a volcanic rock fresh out of the volcano. And, yes, it came out of a Mason jar. Mrs.'s told me that they used to go to Oklahoma every year for summer vacation and to visit her Mom and Daddy's folks. At least once during the trip, her dad would go off for a while, and return with a sack with a jar in it; it went home to San Diego with them, and apparently lasted the whole year.

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Same here, the good stuff is better as an additive to something with taste but alone it's similar to jet fuel or lacquer thinner - - or so I am told.

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Or you could try some siddiqi (sid) from Saudi Arabia. 90% alcohol (180 proof) and always home made as this Muslim country is dry. It needs to be cut 3 to 1 to be relatively drinkable since it doubles as paint remover. Our finance guy had a 'problem' and was loaded on a plane late one night back to Holland to dry out. I tried it a couple times at holiday parties, but never developed any liking for this crap. Then one of my field service guys got thrown in jail for drunkenness and insulting a sheikh after a fender bender. We bailed him, put him on a plane and had to fire him from GE and a $100+K/year job.



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OK, Y'all, fess up - as for me, I am guilty and own several teeshirts. no

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Me, too.

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